FamilyLife Culture Watch

Pop Goes the Gender

By Scott Williams

Although his parents might object to me calling him such, two-year-old Pop is a social experiment.

The Swedish toddler's mom and dad, eschewing social gender constraints, refuse to let anyone know whether the child is a boy or girl. They never use pronouns to refer to the toddler, and have outfitted the child with everything from dresses to pants. They also regularly change the child's hairstyle.

“We want Pop to grow up more freely and avoid being forced into a specific gender mould from the outset,” Pop’s mother said. “It's cruel to bring a child into the world with a blue or pink stamp on their forehead.”

While the outcome of this informal experiment might answer some long-standing questions about how much of gender is biological and how much is conditioned by the culture, it may come at the expense of Pop. It wouldn't be the first time.

More than 40 years ago, a botched circumcision on a twin brother prompted parents to raise Bruce Reimer as "Brenda." He had reconstruction work and was encouraged to dress and act like a girl. As his brother Brian tells it, "the only difference between him and I was he had longer hair." Only when Bruce/Brenda began to rebel against femininty as a teen did his father tell him the whole story.

After bouts with anger and depression, Bruce changed his name to David and underwent surgical procedures and hormone treatments to become a man. He eventually married and was able to have a normal sex life and, despite being unable to father children of his own, did raise three children with his wife.

But by then, David's psychological trauma was exacting its toll. After a separation from his wife, a job loss, and the death of his twin brother, David committed suicide in 2004. In the years before, he had publicly spoken of his ordeal, labeling the gender identity experiment a crushing failure.

Before adolescence blew the lid off of everything, those who said it was nurture not nature that determined gender identity had pointed to the Reimer case as proof. Eventually Johns Hopkins University, which had initially encouraged the Reimers to allow Bruce to be Brenda, abandoned its gender reassignment ideals.

You would think that people would learn, but with our current cultural tendency to reject anything that limits our ability to define our own humanity, the practice continues. One of the current parenting fads is to delay puberty with hormonal treatments until a child settles what gender most closely matches his or her feelings.

The whole thing is much simpler than we make it out to be. Sexual identity, both physical and emotional, is by God's design. He created male and female to correspond to each other, both physically and emotionally. Sure, there are cultural norms that either downplay or caricature gender attributes. Some may be harmful, but others (like pink and blue) are benign and petty.

It's okay and even healthy to reject narrow, often arbitrary, gender constraints. It's foolish, on the other hand, to pretend that these differences are completely devoid of divine design. True balance comes from understanding God's original design and operating within that realm.

Nowhere does God mention pink and blue.  He does not forbid men to cry or women to do auto mechanics. He has, however, created men to be risk-takers, providers, initiators and achievers, and women to be responders, nurturers, and to experience life as a holistic blend of mind and emotion. And He has also created us as infinitely unique individuals who vary wildly within those male/female designs. Understanding God's design provides both structure and freedom.

I hope Pop's parents realize the futility of their blank slate approach to gender before the damage is done. With Pop due to become a big brothersister in the next few months, that realization can't come too soon.

Out-out-wedlock Births Out of Control

By Scott Williams

The National Center for Health Statistics last week documented a dramatic rise in children born to unmarried mothers—and it attributed much of the increase to women in the 20s and 30s choosing to have children outside of marriage. "It's been a huge increase—a dramatic increase," said one center official. "It's quite striking."

The rise in unwed pregnancies is not just happening in the United States, but throughout most highly developed countries. In fact, compared with 13 other European nations and Japan, the U.S. out-of-wedlock marriage rate is somewhere in the middle of the pack.

Some countries have been on the rise for some time, others just recently. In Japan, the incidence of non-marital births is still low. In Scandinavian countries, it generally makes up half of all births, if not more. Here's the data for each country from 1980, and from the most recent surveys:

Country	1980	Current
Japan	1%	2%
Italy	4%	21%
Spain	4%	28%
Canada	13%	30%
Germany	12%	30%
Ireland	5%	33%
Netherlands	4%	40%
United States	18%	40%
United Kingdom	12%	44%
Denmark	33%	46%
France	11%	50%
Norway	15%	54%
Sweden	40%	55%
Iceland	40%	66%

If Iceland's non-marital birthrate seems unthinkably high, consider that the rate for 20-24 year-olds in the U.S. is a near-identical 60 percent rate. Nearly a third of births to 25-29 year-olds in the U.S. are also outside of marriage.

Social scientists are scrambling to explain the consistent, widespread surge in births outside marriage. Most focus on three primary factors: increased sexual activity outside marriage; the relaxing of social disapproval of out-of-wedlock childbearing; and the number of women delaying or forgoing marriage. In fact, the most recent Census Bureau data indicates that 40 percent women giving birth outside marriage are in cohabiting relationships.

Although we demographers may have a handle on the "what", few have effectively explained the "why" of women choosing to have children outside marriage. Has their view of marriage become jaded and cohabitation become the new marriage? Is pregnancy a woman's attempt to draw her man from a sexual relationship into a more committed marriage-type arrangement? Is motherhood a consolation prize leftover from childhood dreams of marrying Prince Charming and raising a family together?

No developed society can last for long when it fails to offer security and safety for its women and children, and direction and accountability for its men and adolescents. By distancing sex from procreation and childbearing from marriage, we effectively fragment our society into a collection of individuals who see love, sex, marriage and children as commodities that exist solely for their own happiness. In the meantime, we're bringing children into a world of instability and egocentrism that perpetuates the cycle exponentially.

Data continue to show that a child does best when raised in a stable, loving home with a mother and father each contributing uniquely to that child's development and happiness. While it's possible for a young mother to raise the child alone, it still puts the child at a disadvantage. Often unmarried mothers have much less time and money—two important elements for raising a child—than their married counterparts. And research is also beginning to show that a father plays an integral part in the development of a child.

And while it's possible for a cohabiting couple to raise children, data continue to show that those relationships fail at a much higher rate than traditional marriages. So, again, children of cohabiting couples often end up spending part of their developmental years without the optimal benefit of both parents.

So why is cohabitation seeing such a sharp rise in this country and so many others? Part of it is many couples settle for convenience over the more difficult but stable option. That often shows in the arguments they use against getting married. We'll look at some of those arguments in a followup post soon.

Nobody's Happy About Jon and Kate

by Dave Boehi

There is an interesting aspect of the whole Jon and Kate Plus 8 drama that's been unfolding in the media over the past two months:

Few people are surprised by the announcement last night that Jon and Kate Gosselin are separating.

And nobody seems to be happy about it.

It's true that in America we appear to be drifting away from a commitment to marriage, with more couples than ever living together and having children out of wedlock. Our divorce rate remains one of the highest among nations. But a story like this shows me that most of us still want the dream to come true—we want couples to stay together and live happily ever after. We don't like watching them fall apart. And we don't like what divorce does to the children.

There are endless debates about who is at fault in this situation. To some, Kate is a dedicated mother who is doing everything she can for her kids; to others she is a harpy who controlled her husband and fell in love with the trappings of celebrity. To some, Jon is a loving father and unwitting victim of the celebrity lifestyle he chose; to others he is a passive husband who is unwilling to step in and do what he can to set things straight for the sake of his marriage and the children.

But I don't see many people happy about the Gosselins heading toward divorce. They're wondering why they don't seek counseling. They're worried about what this will do to the eight Gosselin children. It's a cultural conversation: Yesterday a co-worker was driving to work and heard a long discussion on radio about what Jon and Kate could to do save their marriage.

"This episode was the hardest, ever, for me to watch," one Entertainment Weekly reader lamented. "After the show was over, I broke down and cried. It was extremely hard (beyond words to describe) to even hear Jon and Kate say they are splitting up. When yo grow attached to a family, it is very hard to watch it all fall apart. I wish Jon and Kate were able to talk it out and not let it end this way. I am mostly concerned about what is going to happen to the children. I wish the family the best of luck and hope things can only get better."

For some, watching Jon and Kate's marriage deteriorate brought back some unhappy memories.

"Enough already!" another viewer commented. "Now the viewers (not me anymore) will be 'treated' to the sad reality of a broken family. I think most of us have seen something like this within our families and friends. It will be very painful to watch these two people and their children—too much reality for me."

I guess we like happy endings, and we can still pray for one here. I'd love to see Jon and Kate attend a Weekend to Remember marriage conference, for example—provided they left the camera crew at home. Marriages much worse than theirs have been saved when couples realize the need to make Christ the center of their lives and their relationship.

Their relationship is not hopeless. But they need to humble themselves to the point that they are willing to follow God no matter where He leads.

Father's Day and Forgiveness

It comes around every third Sunday in June. A day is set aside to honor our earthly fathers and the contributions they have made to our lives. It's a day where we bring ourselves to say the deep, heartfelt things that we often think but rarely utter: appreciation for the sacrifices, strength, and guidance dad has provided.

For many, though, Father's Day is painful. They have grown up in a home where dad was abusive or distant, if he was even there. How do you bring yourself to honor one who seems so dishonorable?

One common choice is to hold on to bitterness. William Ireland was only six when his father, Ken, left the family for another woman. Young William spent his childhood years longing for his father, who had completely disappeared from the scene. A few years before his father's death, William found him and re-established contact. Then, despite the new relationship, the father left the entire estate to the other woman and her son.

Now, after years of legal wrangling, William Ireland has his father's ashes (after all, he paid for the funeral). The other woman and her son wanted to turn the ashes into a diamond. Instead, William is repaying his father by selling the ashes to the highest bidder on Ebay.

Another choice is to seek reconciliation. Liberty Mutual's Responsibility Project features several short films about acting responsibly in life. One particular video caught my eye (and left a tear in it as well). A young mother with a past similar to William's is forced to come to terms with the years of hurt and bitterness caused by her father's abandonment of the family. It's well worth the watch. Enjoy.

 

Is it possible to honor a parent who has betrayed you? Yes, but it requires forgiveness that's above your ability to extend. It requires you to know the perfect Heavenly Father, who, even when we have shown hostility to him, reaches out to us.

But God demonstrated His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. - Romans 5:8

FamilyLife has resources to help you to honor your father or mother, including a free download to help you craft a personal tribute. For those who have been blessed with good parents, writing a tribute is a way to show the overwhelming gratitude you feel but don't always show. For those who have been betrayed, writing a tribute can be an opportunity to work through hurt and bitterness and to reach out, not in anger, but with the love of the Heavenly Father.

The Family Manifesto

In 1992, FamilyLife created a document to address the critical issues regarding marriage and family in today's world with guidelines from it's Creator. As I read it afresh today, it is as fresh and relevant as it was when it was created 17 years ago.

Following is the Preface. To read specifics on marriage, husbands and wives, childlessness, the sexual union, and commitment read The Family Manifesto on the FamilyLife website.

During the latter half of the twentieth century the American culture has suffered an unrelenting decline. Although scientific and technological advances have created an outer veneer of prosperity and progress, our inner moral values and convictions have rapidly crumbled. Once, most Americans based their sense of right and wrong on Judeo-Christian principles, which provided them with a solid, biblical foundation for life. Today, a growing number of Americans see morality and ethics as relative and subjective and have developed their own version of "morality" with little regard to absolute standards.

This idea of moral tolerance has been eroding the foundation of the American family and society. Many Americans today have little or no concept of how to maintain a successful marriage and how to raise children to become responsible adults. In addition, a growing number of educators, politicians, and members of the media are attacking and redefining the family, creating a vast amount of confusion about what a family is. Many people today proclaim that "family values" are important, but the gradual shift to moral relativism has led to a great debate about what "family values" ought to be.

Abraham Lincoln once said, "The strength of a nation lies in the homes of its people." It is our conviction that the family is the backbone of the Christian church and of society as a whole. History shows that, if any society wants to survive, it must uphold, strengthen, and continue to build upon the biblical institutions of marriage and family.

The Bible begins in Genesis with the marriage of a man and a woman and ends in the Book of Revelation with the marriage of Christ and His bride, the Church. In between, God provides timeless blueprints for family life, which, if followed in a spirit of humility and obedience, provide us with the only true way to maintain healthy family relationships.

The following document affirms this biblical model and challenges us to consider how we should live within the walls of our own homes. It is offered in a spirit of love and humility, not of judgment or contention. Furthermore, it is not intended to be a comprehensive doctrinal statement about what the Bible says about marriage, family, and related subjects.

Unquestionably, this document attempts to face critical cultural issues. We invite response from anyone who wishes to affirm the truths of marriage and family from the Scriptures. It is our hope that this document will serve to accurately represent the truth God has revealed to us in Scripture, will provide insight into what a biblical family looks like, and will show how we can honor and glorify Him in our family relationships.

We freely acknowledge that we, like all people, have often denied the biblical truths of family life by the way we live. We desire, however, to live by God's grace in accordance with the principles stated herein and to pass these principles on to future generations so that He will be honored and glorified as our families reflect His character.

Read The Family Manifesto in its entirety at FamilyLife.com.

Watch Your Words. They Shape the Kids.

The nation's longest-running study on child mental health has yielded a nugget of wisdom for parents: watch your arguments, because they will affect your children well into their adult years.

The Simmons Longitudinal Study has followed 300 one-time kindergartners from Quincy, Massachusetts well into their adult years. The study, which appeared in a recent issue of the Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry found, among other things, that:

...15-year-olds exposed to their parents' verbal battles, or involved in family arguments, were more likely to be functioning poorly at age 30 than other people in the study who did not live in increasingly fight-filled homes.

The children exposed to family fighting were two to three times more likely to be unemployed, suffer from major depression, or abuse alcohol or other drugs by age 30. They also were more likely to struggle in personal relationships, but that was evident to a somewhat lesser degree.

While many child advocates may see this as a reason to champion immediate divorce rather than face a bad home environment, the Boston Globe article detailing the study highlighted something entirely different: Redirecting communication in a positive way.

"You almost have to give a prescription to parents who are fighting not to fight in front of their kids," said Joseph Powers, a family therapist at McLean Hospital.

Arguments don't have to descend into verbal abuse, experts say. The solution is to make the arguments constructive, or, failing that, to swiftly repair the damage of heated words. When ruptures do occur, saying sorry right away can heal the harm.

"There are stresses in the life of a family," Powers said. "But families also have the capacity to repair that, to come to the person and say, 'I just blew it, I'm very sorry, and can we do this another way?' "

It's inevitable when people share so much life and space with each other as couples and families do, that there will be — euphemistically speaking — opportunities to grow through disagreements. Children and teens are often "caught in the crossfire" as the article suggests. Depending on the child, they may withdraw or go on the offensive, or side with one parent or another. Those arguments may grow into resentment and bitterness, which lead to isolation and deep wounds. This is a prime time for parents to model godly behavior in the way they deal with conflict.

For some ideas on how to deal with disagreements in your marriage and to give your children a healthy model for resolving conflict, check out these articles from FamilyLife.com:

• 5 Steps for Resolving Conflict in Marriage

• Q&A: Should Children See Parents Argue?

• Q&A: Teaching Children How to Resolve Conflict

Disney/Pixar's Up: A film for everyone

By Scott Williams

What makes an adventure? That’s the question that’s explored in Disney/Pixar’s new animated feature Up. Through the film’s high action and its tender moments, we realize that the answer doesn’t always come where you most expect it.

Make no mistake about it. Up is a movie that majors on action and adventure and is aimed at young audiences and their families. But the things that set Up apart from its earlier predecessors are the tender moments that come out of the marriage relationship between the main character and his wife.

Pixar’s tenth project follows the life of Carl Fredricksen, who as a boy is enthralled by the adventures of others but lacks the daring to have any real adventure of his own. Until he meets Ellie, a little girl whose life exudes adventure in everything she does. We watch as Carl marries Ellie to begin an adventure of their own together, only to see the dream interrupted by the unexpected realities of life, and eventually by Ellie’s premature death. When Ellie dies, Carl’s adventure dies with her.

Since her passing, Carl often pulls out Ellie's My Adventure Book, which she first showed him in great confidentiality when they met as children. Just a few pages into the album is a page scribbled in her childish handwriting, “Stuff I’m Going to Do,” followed by countless pages to be filled in by the adventure she anticipates her life to be. As Carl looks back on the album after her death, though, the empty pages are only a reminder of dreams she never realized, and the fact that he is partly responsible because he never followed through on his “cross-your-heart” promise to move them to Paradise Falls in South America. Throughout the movie, whenever he gets to the “Stuff I’m Going to Do” title page, he closes the book with an anguished sigh, unable to bring himself to stare at the blank pages.

After Ellie is gone, life just seems to be closing in on Carl. As he feels increasingly more trapped, it's Ellie's memory that spurs him to fulfill a promise he made to her and head to Paradise Falls, where the couple had planned to run away to and build a home. The lifelong balloon salesman attempts the feat by doing what he knows best: floating away with his house, buoyed by thousands of helium filled balloons.

Rather than enjoying that adventure with Ellie, though, Carl’s dream is hijacked by a persistent little scout, Russell, who wants only to complete his last merit badge to become a Senior Wilderness Explorer. All he needs is to help an elderly person. And all Carl wants is to be left alone so he can complete the lifelong dream that he never fulfilled for his wife.

Eventually he makes it to Paradise Falls, only to realize how empty the dream is without the dreamer, Ellie. But it's in the emptiness of the dream at Paradise Falls that Carl makes a discovery that changes everything.

Tony Dungy's new direction

By Dave Boehi

I was a bit dismayed when Tony Dungy recently retired from coaching in the NFL, because I saw God using him to influence others in a significant way. But this influence continues after his retirement, as seen in a post from his blog, taken from this week's Sports Illustrated magazine. Dungy describes his visit to quarterback Michael Vick in prison, and speculates about what may have happened in Vick's life if he had benefited from the influence of an involved father.

Dungy goes on to talk about the influence his own father had on him, and says

As a Christian, I follow the Biblical model of how a community should be structured—wisdom should be passed down from elders to juniors, and when that doesn't happen, the results won't be good. That's why I'm concerned about the number of young men growing up without active fathers in their lives.

Dungy has begun a ministry called All-Pro Dad. It is clear that God has given him a platform to address a huge problem in America. We may find out that all his influence as a coach was just a warm-up to what will happen now.

Listen to Tony Dungy talk about fatherhood on FamilyLife Today.

Learning from Your Parents' Marriage

We had to post this segment from NBC's Today Show. Two secular sources (an editor for Redbook magazine and a psychiatrist who appears regularly on the show talking about relationships) give some surprisingly biblical advice, not only on how to replicate or overcome your parents' marriage legacy, but also how to build a strong marriage by its own right.

The only thing missing from this advice is the chapter and verse reference. So, we've added those to their pieces of advice, to show you that it's not just good psychology, but according to God's design for marriage.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Here's some of their advice:

• Your parents are the first pattern for your marriage, but if you had a bad example, you don't necessarily have to follow it. Follow the better example

• A good marriage takes hard work. It isn't always fun, but you're building something of real value. Romans 5:3-5

• A good marriage is made of spouses who freely communicate and freely forgive. Ephesians 4:32; Hebrews 12:15

• Focus on your spouse's positive qualities, and speak kindly to each other. Philippians 4:8; Ephesians 4:29

• A healthy marriage relationship is a balance of independence and interdependence. Galatians 6:2,5

• Your marriage relationship takes priority over your children. Matthew 19:5-6

Same-Sex Marriage Update

By Scott Williams

New Hampshire has a back-pedaling surprise, California readies for the Supreme Court ruling, Congress tries to trump the D.C. council, and one Oregon tribe gets more inclusive.

The New Hampshire legislature lacked two votes on Wednesday to passing a bill allowing same-sex marriages in the state, this just two weeks after it voted to sanction those unions. Governor John Lynch had asked the legislature to revisit the thinking of the earlier bill, this time offering protections for religious organizations and their employees who do not approve of homosexual unions.

Another vote on the measure will come up again in early June. By that time, the California Supreme Court will have handed down their ruling on the November ballot initiative that specified marriage as between one man and one woman. Last year about this time, the high court overruled a similar state law to grant full marriage rights to couples of the same sex. That ruling was overturned when the people voted, by a narrow margin, to officially recognize only heterosexual unions.

Many believe the California court will uphold the vote of the people, but I'm not so sure, given the empassioned argument Chief Justice Ronald George made for allowing marriage to any couple who wants it. This is what I wrote in a Culture Watch post last May 28 about the ruling:

The state Supreme Court made a subtle but profound side step from previous thinking. Instead of saying that the state cannot prohibit a person from choosing to marry, it claimed that the state cannot prohibit who a person chooses to marry. Marriage, they say, is established in the bonds of love, and the state should not interfere. As the State Court of Appeals (and every other decision before) defined it, no one is prohibited from marrying (marriage being according to the traditional definition). But the California Supreme Court declared that the state was prohibiting it because it too narrowly defined marriage.

Whether the Supreme Court will reverse its previous decision and side with the voters or hold firm to their 2008 position is anyone's guess. What is fairly certain is that the ruling will either come down on May 28 or June 2. The current session ends on June 3.

Meanwhile, a bill in the U.S. House of Representatives would define marriage in the District of Columbia as being between one man and one woman, just days after the city council voted 12-1 to open up marriage to same-sex partners. The House has a little more than a month to pass the bill before the city ordinance takes affect on July 6. The bill has 30 sponsors from both major parties, but Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has asked the Congress not to overrule the D.C. Council.

Over in Oregon, the Coquille Tribe law allowing same-sex marriage went into effect this week, following a year of powwowing about child support issues that may be affected. Anyone who is a Coquille may now marry a person of the same sex under tribal law. Presumably, it is the first tribe in the nation to do so.

Kris Allen, American Idol, and Humility

by Barbara Rainey

When my children were growing up I was a TV Nazi.  High control, off the charts.  Only Little House on the Prarie and Mr. Rogers Neighborhood were allowed when they were small.  As they became older they watched sporting events or news features with their dad if they were interested, but little else.  As parents we refused to get cable or buy Nintendo.  We were "the only parents" this strict, of course.

When our last child left for college a few years ago our responsibility for monitoring what went into their hearts and minds left with her.  We now had to police only ourselves.  So we signed up for cable, mostly for my husband's interest in more sporting events and the hunting channels.  Our kids all thought it terribly unfair and contradictory that we should change our values now that they were gone.  A parent's prerogative, we replied with a smile.

With our evenings free from all the constrictions of homework, school activities, and bedtime rituals, we discovered the time to become fans of American Idol.  Our good friend Bob, who loves music, was an addict from the beginning and kept talking about how much he and his wife and sons loved watching it. We finally began watching out of curiosity the year Jordin Sparks won.

This year we are even voting.  And it's a great year for us to be engaged as one of the two finalists for tonight's (Tuesday) finale is from Conway, Arkansas, just 30 miles from Little Rock.  And his success has all the elements of a great American story.  Being from a small town in middle America, Kris Allen has been the underdog all along even though he is clearly talented.  His opponent and the judges' obvious favorite is a young man who appears the opposite of Kris in every way.  Adam is from a big city, has the backing of Hollywood, and sports an edgy look with heavy eye make-up and black nail polish.  Kris is married and is the worship leader of a growing church, while Adam remains mysterious in his gender identity and spiritual leanings. 

A most revealing moment occured several weeks ago when the show's creator and brutally honest judge, Simon Cowell, asked Kris what he thought about still being in the competition.

Kris Allen and Celebrity Marriage

By Dave Boehi

Welcome from Arkansas, home of the Razorbacks, birthplace of the rich and famous. This is the state that gave us Johnny Cash, Sam Walton, Bear Bryant, Brooks Robinson, Bill Clinton, Conway Twitty, Billy Bob Thornton, Al Green, and Glen Campbell. And now, infinitely more important, it is the home of AMERICAN IDOL FINALIST KRIS ALLEN!!!

I couldn't resist writing that opening paragraph. Kris Allen's run on American Idol is the biggest story in Arkansas right now. His recent "Kris Returns Home" visit drew a huge crowd by the Arkansas River in Little Rock, and then about 15,000 showed up for a parade and outdoor concert in Conway, where Kris attends college. And those numbers pale next to the dedication of his fans who faithfully vote hundreds of times apiece with their phones each week to keep Allen alive in the Idol competition.

Whether or not Kris wins his American Idol showdown this week with Adam Lambert, it appears that this humble, soft-spoken young man—a worship leader at his church in Conway—has a bright singing future ahead of him. And my hope is that his new marriage—he and his wife, Katy, were married last year—has the same bright future. I say this because fame often produces the same effect on marriage that cigarettes have on the human lung. It generates a cancer that slowly eats away at marital commitment. In the world of celebrities, marriages that last more than 10 or 15 years are considered minor miracles.

Here are three big mistakes that many celebrities seem to make in marriage:

Maine, New Hampshire add same-sex marriage

The legislatures of Maine and New Hampshire voted on Wednesday to amend the definition of marriage to include couples of the same sex. Maine Governor John Balducci wasted no time signing the bill into law. In New Hampshire, barring an unlikely veto, the bill will become law in five days, with or without the signature of Gov. John Lynch.

So, by Monday, barring any surprise, there will be five states that give homosexual marriage equal legal recognition as the traditional one-man, one-woman union, Interestingly, though, Balducci was the first governor to sign same-sex marriage into law, as Massachusetts, Connecticut and Iowa enacted the law by state supreme court ruling, and Vermont legislators overrode that governor's veto.

There is a good chance that the status of marriage in Maine will change, though, as a petition drive is underway make use of the state's people's veto provision.

Rhode Island is now the only New England state that has not acted to allow same-sex couples to marry, although there is a bill before the legislature that would change that. According to same-sex marriage strategists, the Ocean State is not expected to go the way of its New England brethren until Gov. Donald Carcieri ends his term in 2011. A more likely state to join the New England defectors is New York, which also has a bill in the legislature and has a governor willing to sign it into law. Recent Polling shows that about 53 percent of New Yorkers favor giving same sex marriage equal status to traditional marriage.

Across the nation the sentiment still leans toward traditional marriage. A recent CNN/Opinion Research poll finds that 54 percent of Americans favor keeping the legal definition of marriage as it has been. Broken down by age, though, tells a different story.

Around the World in 80 Words - #53

IRELAND: After the Church of England released its first guide on happy marriage, the number of Irish couples seeking counseling is skyrocketing.

UNITED KINGDOM: With wedding prices averaging £15,000-20,000 (about $22,000-$30-000), the marriage rate has fallen 2.7 percent since 2006.

RUSSIA: Since the fall of the Soviet Union, the social structure is facing a meltdown that shows no sign of abating. Births are off 40 percent, there are 8 divorces for every 10 marriages, and 45% of couples choose cohabitation.

Traditional marriage … it's certainly not world peace

By Scott Williams

Up until now, I've intentionally avoided this issue, partly because of its volatility and partly because I've seen it as little more than a media event. But the more that comes out and the more I've thought about it, the more I'm beginning to realize that it's a cultural benchmark.

Miss California Carrie Prejean was apparently a heavy favorite going into the interview segment of the Miss USA pageant on April 19. That is, until she answered "the question." At least two judges reported giving her incredibly low scores for her reply, effectively giving the title to Miss North Carolina.One of the judges said she would have made her 51st runner-up if she could have.

I'll get to the question and answer in a bit, after we look at the reaction, which to me seems to be the big news on the whole thing.

Perez Hilton, the judge who asked Prejean the interview question, responded this way to her answer.

"She gave the worst answer in pageant history... I was incredibly shocked and incredibly frustrated and hurt and disappointed. Because that is not the kind of a woman I want to be Miss USA. Miss USA, she represents all Americans. "

And just this week, Keith Lewis, co-director of the California Miss USA pageant, also weighed in with his disapproval.

"In the entire history of Miss USA, no reigning title holder has so readily committed her face and voice to a more divisive or polarizing issue. We are deeply saddened that Carrie Prejean has forgotten her platform of the Special Olympics, her commitment to all Californians, and solidified her legacy as one that goes beyond the right to voice her beliefs and instead reveals her opportunistic agenda."

In case you haven't heard the question and Prejean's outrageous answer, here they are:

Hilton: “Vermont recently became the 4th state to legalize same-sex marriage. Do you think every state should follow suit. Why or why not?”

Prejean: "“Well, I think its great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. And you know what, in my country, in my family, I think that -- I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that's how I was raised and that's how I think that it should be—between a man and a woman."

Would it have been conceivable 10 years ago—even two years ago—that stating a personal belief for traditional marriage would decide the winner of a national beauty pageant or be characterized as a "divisive or polarizing issue" or an "opportunistic agenda "?

Around the World in 80 Words - #52

KENYA: A women's rights organization is encouraging all women to withhold sex until the male leaders of the country resolve to work more seriously toward peace. "We have looked at all issues which can bring people to talk and we have seen that sex is the answer."

AFGHANISTAN: Men attacked a group of women protesting a new national law granting men the right to demand sex from their wives. A crowd of hundreds of counter-protesters accused the women of being "slaves of the Christians."

Denial the Key to Marital Happiness?

By Scott Williams

The title piqued my interest. Apparently, an article coming up in the July issue of the journal Psychological Science claims that perception, not reality, is the source of marital bliss.

Researchers from Northwestern University surveyed 77 married couples and 92 dating couples about their relationship, or perception of it. The heads up article in LiveScience about the upcoming journal research takes a very misanthropic look at the results.

As self-interested, self-absorbed creatures, our own thoughts, feelings, needs and goals come first, and that sometimes means fooling ourselves into thinking we are the center of other people's thoughts, feelings, needs and goals when, in fact, they are mired in their own business.

But should we be disillusioned by our own illusions? Maybe not. Happy marriages might just be those in which both partners uphold a very nice projection of each other, even when things aren't so great. And this makes sense. Happiness is a state of mind, and if denial paints a partner better than they really are, the relationship is bound to be satisfying, as long as no one is slapped in the face with reality.
 

This perception is not so much about denial as it is about being charitable and gracious to a spouse. And this revelation is nothing new. One of the best-known Bible passages, even among non-believers, comes from the 13th chapter of the Apostle Paul's first letter to the church at Corinth. In it he lists seven things that love is and eight that love isn't.

Breaking News... They're Engaged

In the world of bad news, it's nice to see a fun story like this every once in a while.

Not everyone gets it, though. Some of the news professionals who make their living hawking "hard news" had some very unkinds words about the "love-sick morons who interrupt news programming" with this kind of nonsense.

One piece of nonsense that was broadcast in the KARK on-air proposal but didn't make Jeanne Moos' CNN clip was this declaration the husband-to-be made to his future wife:

"You've taught me something: that love is about building each other up... That's something that I want to do for the rest of my life."

In an age of easy divorce and shallow commitment, we'd have to say that's newsworthy! Even more so if they're still doing it 25 years from now.

Remembering Columbine: Should We Spy On Our Kids?

by Dave Boehi

Today marks the 10th anniversary of the tragedy at Columbine High School in Colorado, when two students, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, killed 13 and injured 24.  There have been many other school shootings, before and since, yet this experience seared our nation's memory in a unique way. Just say the word "Columbine" and anyone over the age of 25 will most likely think of that terrible day. And the really scary part is that Harris and Klebold actually wanted to kill hundreds that day, but their homemade bombs didn't work.

A number of excellent articles on the Columbine school shooting have appeared in the last few weeks. But I haven't seen any that have revived a debate that grew in the aftermath of the shootings:  Should we spy on our kids? Do we have an obligation to know what's going on in their lives? 

Dennis Rainey wrote about this issue back in 1999 right after the Columbine shootings:

It was one of those lonely moments on the road. While my computer was downloading some files, I decided to turn on the television. Surfing my way through the channels, I came  upon a group of parents who were facing some obvious hostility on a talk show.

The topic was, "Parents Who Spy on Kids." I finally turned it off after an audience stacked with teenagers jeered and mocked a couple of moms who felt it was a parent's right and responsibility to know what was going on in a teenager's life.

Six hours later, I turned the television on again, but this time it was to learn what was happening in LIttleton, Colorado. Scenes of teens fleeing Columbine High School and the massacre brought on by two teenage boys tore at my heart as a dad. It could easily have been our three teenage daughters at that school.

Over and over I heard commentators ask the same basic questions: Where were those two boys' parents? Why didn't they know what was going on in their lives?

I thought again of the talk show from earlier in the day and wondered if the audience would still jeer those two brave mothers who spied on their children. As the mounts of flowers and tributes piled up on that grassy knoll in LIttleton, no thinking person was mocking parenting authority.

I believe the general attitude of parents on this issue has been changing in the last ten years. Children will always find ways to hide things from their parents, but parents can also take certain steps to know as much as they can about what is going on in the lives of their kids. 

One of the best things parents can do is set up some expectations when their children are still young. They can let their kids know that, in this family, total privacy is not a God-given right. Some sample rules:

• We will place our family computer in a public space where others can see what you are doing.

• We have a right to check on anything you view, write or doon the computer, including e-mail, Facebook, etc.

• If you you have a cell phone, we will have access to it so we can see who you are calling.

• We may check your room at any time to see if you are hiding anything. 

Some parents will disagree with rules like these, while others will heartily agree and perhaps even give you testimonies about how similar rules helped them when their kids were teens. Ultimately you need to implement them with wisdom; each child is different and needs different supervision. The most important point to remember is that parents should remember is that "spying" on their teens came sometimes save them from big trouble.

Lessons From Susan Boyle’s Astonishing Performance

by Dave Boehi

So many people have written about Susan Boyle in the last few days that I've resisted getting on the bandwagon. But I've watched the astonishing video of Susan's singing performance on Britain's Got Talent a dozen times now, and I find myself wondering why I am drawn to it so strongly. I know I'm not alone in this, because the web is full of quotes from other people saying they've watched it many times; one individual wrote to Entertainment Weekly saying he had seen it 40 times. And as I write these words, videos of her performance have been viewed more than 30 million times on YouTube.

Why has this video become so popular? What is it about Susan's performance that causes people to cheer within seconds after she begins to sing? Why do tears come to the eyes of so many people, like they did to my wife, Merry?

The most-discussed reason is the most obvious: Susan Boyle reminded us that you can't judge talent by first impressions. We are, unfortunately, so conditioned by a mass media that celebrates beauty, and so often biased against those who fail to meet certain standards, that we expect only beautiful-looking people to have beautiful-sounding voices. As one of the Britain's Got Talent judges said to Susan, "When you stood there and said you want to be like [popular British singer] Elaine Page, everyone was laughing at you. No one is laughing now."

Our culture promotes appearance and outward packaging so obsessively that many of us fail to realize how we've adopted those values in our families, our workplace, and even in the church. In a blog on Crosswalk.com, David Burchett wrote:

I wondered how often we make the same mistake in the body of Christ that the show judges made in their initial judgment of Susan Boyle. We look at the outward appearance and make our decision. You don't look the part. You don't fit my preconceived notion. We are looking for someone better looking or more outgoing or more engaging. You could tell from the judges' sideways glances that they had already made their judgment about this unassuming woman.

And then she opened her mouth to sing.

Courage from Mom, Inspiration for a World

By Scott Williams

By now, it's likely that you've seen the YouTube clip of Susan Boyle, the unlikely new star who broke a two year musical silence with her performance on the popular reality show, Britain's Got Talent. The performance was Saturday, and by Thursday morning, different versions of the video had attracted more than 20 million views on YouTube alone.

Britains Got Talent 2009 Susan Boyle 47 Year Old Singer
Uploaded by kj1983

As incredible as the performance was, the emerging details behind her appearance are just as uplifting.

For the past several years, the 48-year-old single woman has revealed her gift to only a few, by her own choice. Though she has dreamed for years about becoming a professional singer, her commitments have been to her mother.

Susan is the youngest of nine children. Growing up, she was ridiculed by classmates for her looks, as well as learning disabilities, the result of being oxygen deprived at birth. She never married, and since her father died a decade ago, she lived with her mother, providing care for her until she died two years ago at age 91.

Until that day, she had shared her gift with small audiences in the two social centers of her community—the church where she volunteers, and the local pub, where she sang karaoke. And with one other audience... her mom.

For years, Bridget Boyle had encouraged her daughter to pursue a professional vocal career and even to try out for, Britain's Got Talent, but Susan never could muster the courage.

Until last week. What gave her the courage she needed was the desire to give tribute to her mother by performing the song, "I Dreamed a Dream," from the excellent musical, "Les Miserables," based on Victor Hugo's literary masterpiece about redemption.

In an American Idol (and British Idol) culture that focuses so much on looks and marketability, so many people are dismissed as meaningless without so much as a thought. That's why parents are so important. A parent knows the hidden qualities of each of their children. A wise parent brings them out and encourages each child to develop those gifts and pursue those dreams.

And so to parents, as you watch this video, think of ways that you can help your child bless the Lord by using those gifts they are given. And children, don't forget that parents often see things that you can't and that others around you won't. Listen to their counsel. Who knows if you might be the next Susan Boyle, ready to bless the world in spite of itself.

In case you're interested, here are a few additional perspectives on the Susan Boyle phenomenon.

• Susan Boyle Shows a Parent’s Death Can Lead to Positive Life Changes—Finding Dulcinea

• Scottish Church Lady Finds Her Voice—Get Religion

• And Then She Opened Her Mouth to Sing—Crosswalk

*** Read more marriage and family news from Culture Watch ***

How NOT to Treat Your Mate

We've referred on at least a few occasions on Culture Watch to Emmerson Eggerichs' book Love and Respect. He contends, backed up by Scripture, that a woman's deepest need is to be loved or made secure, and that a man's deepest need is to be valued or significant. Eggerichs discusses about "the crazy cycle" in which a woman perceives a comment or action by her spouse as unloving or threatening, which makes her respond in a way that communicates lack of appreciation.

Well, as Shakespeare put it, "A rose by any other name smells just as sweet..."

I ran across this article in Psychology Today by author Steven Stosny, Marriage Problems: 50 Ways to Cause Fear and Shame.Interesting how closely Stosny's fear-shame dynamic parallels Eggerichs' love-respect crazy cycle. To me, this is further indication that we should heed the wisdom the Apostle Paul gives to husbands and wives in his letter to the Ephesians.

Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Here are a few of the no-nos in Stosny's Psychology Today list of 50 ways to cause fear and shame. Each serves to undermine that deep need for security and respect and invite a downward spiral toward isolation and worse.

• Ignore her

• Tell her to get over it

• Yell or get angry at her

• Flirt with other women

• Dismiss her ideas

• Exclude him from important decisions

• Imply his inadequacy

• Disrespect his work

• Make comparisons to other men

• Rob him of the opportunity to help

CultureWatch now Tweeting

CultureWatch has been blogging for more than a couple of years with some of the news, trends and research on marriage and family in the context of the culture. Typically, though, what you see in the Culture Watch blog is only a small portion of the items we run across as we keep tabs on the culture.

Enter Twitter, the new social media mini-blogging application that allows you to connect with friends, family and others of similar interests, with questions, ideas and updates—as long as you keep your post under 140 characters. In the past few months, we have been experimenting with how to use this new tool to better deliver good content to more people. A couple of the advantages we've seen with Twitter is that when we find an interesting news item or piece of research, we can simply post the link via Twitter, without having to spend a lot of time crafting commentary. We also are able to re-tweet (forward information) from other Twitter users who are following the same kinds of things we are. And finally, we're able to follow others who are like-minded as well as have them follow us.

If you're already part of the Twittersphere, you can follow us @FL_CultureWatch. If you haven't started tweeting yet, check it out, if for no other reason than to get more timely updates on marriage and family in the culture, and to join the exchange of ideas that Twitter makes possible. Look forward to seeing you on Twitter.

Around the World in 80 Words - #51

UNITED KINGDOM: The Office of National Statistics projects that in 20 years, only 41 percent of Britain's adults will be married. Singles will outnumber marrieds in every age group up to 45, they predict.

SWEDEN: The parliament voted by more than a 10-to-1 margin (a large minority abstained) to make the nation the seventh to allow same-sex marriage.

ISRAEL: A political coalition agreement would offer civil marriage rights for some 300,000 residents who cannot marry under the current rabbinic guidelines.

Marrieds happier than singles by twice

A new Pew Research Center poll reveals something that's not new at all: married people are happier than singles.

In the most recent poll, 43 percent of people who are married reported being happy, compared with just 24 percent of singles. Even in spite of the beating marriage has taken in recent years, this number is as true now as it was a generation ago. The results were exactly the same for women as for men.

The report didn't go into great detail, but it would have been interesting to know if cohabiters were happier than singles or married couples, and whether same-sex couples were as happy as those in traditional marriages. One detail that did emerge is that parents are happier than those without children, but when you broke it down by marriage, all the difference disappeared: About twice as many married parents as unmarried parents reported being happy. Single parents with children under 18 were the most unhappy group.

The Pew happiness study didn't confine it's focus only to marriage. Here are some other interesting findings:

• Money may not buy happiness but it does reflect it. The percentage of people reporting being happy rose consistently with income level.

• Health was also a reliable predictor, with the satisfaction level directly tied to how healthy the individual reported being.

• Ideology also tracked with happiness, with 40 percent of conservatives being happy, compared to 33 percent of moderates and 27 percent of those identifying themselves as liberal

• Those who regularly attend church at least once a week are significantly more happy than those who attend once a month or less

• Blacks are less happy than whites or Hispanics, but interestingly money was not a reliable predictor of happiness among blacks

• Employment was not a predictor of happiness among women, but men who were unemployed were significantly less happy than those who held jobs

• The less rushed, the more happy. About 42 percent of those who said they were almost never rushed reported being happy, compared with 24 percent of those who felt they were always hurried

HT: Marriage Tweets